Plus tri

Trenutak kada odrastete nema veze sa vašim godinama.Odrastete zapravo tek onda kada ostanete bez jednog ili oba roditelja. Tek tada prestanete da budete dete i svet počnete da posmatrate drugim očima. Uđete u svet odraslih i shvatite prolaznost života. Ali ne na sebičan način, jer ste sledeći, već razmišljajući kako ćete proživeti one godine koje su pred vama i šta ćete ostaviti iza sebe. Kada jednom podvučete crtu sve se svodi na to kakav je bio put kojim ste prošli i šta ste i kako uradili. Tako sam ja prestao da budem dete u svojoj 43. godini.

Milovan se rodio one godine koja je deo sezone kada je Napredak iz njegovog rodnog Kruševca ušao u Drugu saveznu ligu, a Partizan, njegova velika ljubav, po drugi put postao šampion države. I dok je kao klinac jurio za krpenom loptom na obroncima Jastrepca sanjao je o velikom travnatom terenu, reflektorima i huku navijača. Već posle osnovne škole, snovi su se kao talasi razbili o hridi realnosti. Odrastao bez oca, morao je da nastavi školovanje u srednjoj vojnoj školi, ali ipak u toku nje je uspeo da bude u juniorskom timu Partizana. To nije dugo trajalo, čim je završio vojnu školu, dobio je prvu prekomandu i fudbal se sveo na utakmicu sa drugarima i čuvenu emisiju “Vreme sporta i razonode” nedeljom popodne. Čini mi se da je u njegovim očima uvek ostala neka seta kada je pričao o fudbalu i siguran sam da mu je celog života bilo žao što tada nije sledio svoje snove. Svoje sinove nije uspeo da nauči da navijaju za Partizan. Nekako su, u svojoj buntovničkoj prirodi, otišli na drugu stranu i počeli da navijaju za Zvezdu. On je uvek pričao da se to desilo tako što ih je lukavi komšija prevario da navijaju za Zvezdu tako što im je kupio, tada popularne, čokolade “životinjsko carstvo”.

Mislim da vojsku, u kojoj je proveo dobar deo svog života, nikada nije previše voleo. Voleo je svoje vojnike, dovodio ih kući, čekao na stanici da bi se na vreme vratili u kasarnu sa odsustva, ali tu vrstu discipline i nedostatak logike koji u vojsci postoji, nisu mu prijali. Mnogo godina je proveo na terenima, a devedesetih godina i na ratištu. Ali je uvek bio spreman za šalu, a tada je pokazao i svoju umetničku stranu. Uvek je lepo crtao, a negde u to vreme je napisao i svoju prvu pesmu koja se zvala “Veliki vojni cirkus” u kojoj je pokazao svu besmislenost onoga što se tada dešavalo.

Do svoje smrti, punih 46 godina, bio je u braku sa Ljiljanom, a centar njegovog života bila je unuka Nađa. Kada je umro Nađa je imala 7 godina i teško je prihvatila činjenicu da ga više nema. Poruke koje mu je napisala kada je saznala za njegovu smrt, zajedno sa njim su otišle na večni počinak. Danas, nakon tri godine, Nađa često zaplače zbog toga što joj nedostaje deka. Nedostaje i meni. Valjda o životu nekoga i o tome kakav je trag ostavio za svog života, upravo govori koliko i kako ga se sećaju oni koji su ga voleli. A o Milovanovom životu možda najviše govori Besmrtna pesma, Miroslava Mike Antića:

“…Pa što bismo se opraštali?
Čega da nam je žao?
Ako ti jave: umro sam,
ti znaš – ja to ne umem.

Ljubav je jedini vazduh
koji sam udisao.
I osmeh jedini jezik
koji na svetu razumem.

Na ovu zemlju sam svratio
da ti namignem malo.
Da za mnom ostane nešto
kao lepršav trag.

Nemoj da budeš tužan.

Toliko mi je stalo
da ostanem u tebi
budalast,
čudno drag.

Noću kad gledaš u nebo,
i ti namigni meni.

To neka bude tajna.

Uprkos danima sivim,
kad vidiš neku kometu
da vidik zarumeni,
upamti: to ja još uvek
šašav letim i živim.”

♥

The moment when you grow up have nothing with your age. You grow up, in fact, when you stay without one or both of your parents. That is the moment when you stop being child and start to look at the world on the other way. You step into the world of grown up and understand transience of life. But not on the selfish way, because you are next, but thinking how will you live those years that are before you and what you will leave behind. Once you draw the line, it all comes down to how path you passed looked like and what you did and how you did it. So, I stopped being child when I was 43 years old.

Milovan was born in year which is part of the season when football club Napredak from his native city Kruševac qualified for Second League and Partizan, his greatest love, became state champion in football for second time. While as kid, he chased bump ball on the slopes of mountain Jastrepac, he dreamed of a big grassy field, reflectors and a hook of fans. But after primary school this dream broke up on the cliff of reality. He grew up without a father and had to continue his education at the military high school, but still managed to be in the junior team of Partizan. It did not last long, as soon as he finished military school, he got his first transfer as non-commissioned military officer, and all what was left from football was play with his friends and the famous “Time of Sports and Entertainment” radio show on Sunday afternoon. It seems to me that in his eyes there was always a kind of sorrow when he talked about football and I’m sure he was all his life sorry that he did not follow his dreams. He did not manage to teach his sons to became Partizan fans. Somehow, in their rebellious nature, they went to the other side and became Red Star fans. He always said that this happened by deceiving the cunning neighbors to cheer for the Stars by buying them, then popular, chocolate “Animal Kingdom”.

I think that the army, in which he spent a good part of his life, he never liked much. He loved his soldiers, brought them home, waited for the station to return to the barracks from absence, but this type of discipline and the lack of logic that existed in the army did not please him. He spent many years in the field, and in the nineties and at the battlefield. But he was always ready for a joke, and then he showed his artistic side. He always painted a nice drawing, and somewhere at that time he also wrote his first poem called “The Great Military Circus” in which he showed all the senselessness of what was happening then.

Until his death, for 46 years, he was married to Ljiljana, and the center of his life was his granddaughter Nađa. When he died, Nađa was 7 years old and she hardly accepted the fact that he no longer exists. Messages that she wrote to him when she found out about his death, along with him, went to eternal rest. Today, three years after, Nađa often cries because she misses her grandfather. I miss him too. I guess about the life of someone and about what trace he left for a life, tells the most how much and how he is remembered by the people who loved him. And about Milovan’s life maybe speaks the “An Immortal Poem” by Miroslav Mike Antića:

“…So why say goodbye?
What are we sorry for?
If you hear: I died,
– you know – I cannot do it.

Love is the only air
I’ve ever breathed
and smile the only language
in the world which I understand

I have just dropped by on this earth,
to give you a wink.
To leave something behind
like a fluttering trace.

Don’t be sad.

I care so much
to remain in your eyes
silly
and strangely dear.

At night, when you look up to the sky,
you give me a wink too.

Let it be a secret.

Despite gray days,
when you see a comet
turning the horizon red,
remember: it’s me
still silly flying and living.”